You Probably Will Not Like My Church

I saw this fascinating (and sad, so sad) screenshot on the "Stuff Fundies Like" Blog recently. Apparently Liberty Baptist Church wants to make sure you know you're probably not going to like their church unless you're already a member...and maybe not even then:

I mean, I believe in clear communication and letting people know what to expect. But whoever wrote that needs to get back on their medication, asap.

But it got me thinking. What would a similar disclaimer look like for my ideal church? Maybe something like this:

You probably will not like First Bobtist Church. 

We love Jesus. A lot. More than our traditions. Even more than Krispy Kreme donuts, which we serve every Sunday. Free. With really good coffee. But coffee and Krispy Kremes help us love Jesus even more.

We don't try to please everybody, but we make no apology for trying to make newcomers, visitors, skeptics, and seekers comfortable, even if that makes our own long-time members uncomfortable. We'd like to think that actual Christ-followers have matured enough after decades in the church to reflect Christ-like values of hospitality, kindness, and self-sacrifice. It may not be true, but we like to think it.

We're against being against a lot of stuff. We are so busy being for the brokenhearted, the captives, the prisoners, the poor, the single moms and dads, the grieving, sick, forgotten, widows, and orphans, that we don't do much "againsting." But when we do, we're against it.

We love the Bible, but we don't worship it. We read it, study it, and pray it. But we are not afraid of good scholarship, honest questions, or sincere doubt.

We're not always sure we're right. We're probably more often sure we're not. And we mess up. A whole lot. But we do our best to give each other the same grace we receive from God in Christ.

We like drums. Good, loud drums. And bass, lots of it. We may sing a hymn, sometimes, but our music may also include classical, jazz, or bluegrass--even the blues, depending on how good or bad the preaching is. But we will never sing, "Victory in Jesus." We just won't.  

We stand unapologetically for love. We believe in: Love God, love all, love much.

If your standards are low enough to put up with us, we will have no trouble extending a warm and gracious welcome to you.