How to Stay Married In Ministry

Today is the thirty-eighth wedding anniversary for me and the lovely Robin. I know, I don't look old enough to have been married for thirty-eight years. Oh...that wasn't what you were thinking? Never mind, then.

While our marriage and family life haven't been without a struggle here or there (which were all my fault; that's my story and I'm sticking with it), our love hasn't just survived the challenges that come with being married while in ministry; it has grown and deepened along the way--to the extent that I list our marriage as a major ministry success (here). So since I am sometimes asked how Robin has managed to stay married to me all these years, I offer my best guesses as to what has done the trick for us:

1. Date night. From the very start, we have reserved one evening a week to date each other. To focus on each other. To remember why we fell in love in the first place.

2. Boundaries. I wrote a whole post about "Boundaries for Pastors," so I won't belabor it here. But careful boundaries have protected us both, and deepened our mutual trust.

3. Days off and vacations. I know some ministry couples who rarely take days off and seldom take their vacation time from the church. I think that's foolish. You can't give good things to your spouse if you've spent it all at the church.

4. Retreats and classes. Over the years, the lovely Robin and I have taken periodic marriage retreats or enrichment weekends. Those things have given us invaluable help in (for example), learning each other's intimacy needs, conflict-management styles, and learning styles, among other things. They've helped us to gain deeper understanding of each other and make adjustments along the way.

5. Premarital counseling. We never had premarital counseling before our wedding. But we've provided it for scores of couples--and each time we do, we brush up on our own skills.

6. Frequent renewal of vows. On our thirty-fifth anniversary, the lovely Robin and I renewed our vows behind a waterfall in Great Smoky Mountain National Park. That was fun and wonderful. But we do much the same thing at every wedding we attend, holding hands and silently renewing our vows as the couple getting married recite theirs.

7. Mutuality. Our marriage has never been a hierarchy but a gift-based partnership (1 Corinthians 7:4, 11:11-12). We each have clearly defined responsibilities and roles, but in our marriage these things are based on the way God has molded us and gifted us. We try to outdo each other in love, respect, kindness, and self-sacrifice...and we both end up winning.

I could go on, of course. The lovely Robin's beauty, grace, and patience should top the list, no doubt. But these seven things have gone a long way toward enabling us to go a long way--more than halfway to our seventieth anniversary.

Pastor, Get a Pastor

You are a pastor. You preach and teach, care and console. You manage and maneuver, love and lead. You pour yourself out. You "shepherd the flock of God that is among you, exercising oversight, not under compulsion, but willingly, as God would have you" (1 Peter 5:2, ESV).

You also need a pastor.

Every pastor needs a pastor. Every pastor needs someone who does the things the pastor is doing for others--encourage, equip, coach, console, support, love, and lead. Unfortunately, very few pastors have that kind of relationship, which helps to explain why so many burn out or drop out--and why many others say they would leave the ministry if they thought they could.

Few denominations and church staff systems allow or encourage the establishment and maintenance of a pastor-to-a-pastor relationship. Unless you're in a very rare situation, the chances are good that you will have to take the initiative and do the work of filling that need in your life. But it is a need, make no mistake. It is not an option, if you plan to not just survive but also thrive in ministry.

So what can you do? Where do you go? Here are a few suggestions to help you do what (of course) you encourage your flock to do--have a caring, capable pastor in your life to lead, teach, encourage, and equip you:

• Approach someone you already know. Someone who is already in your circle of relationships. It may be a retired pastor or someone in an entirely different field. It shouldn't be someone in your church but could be someone you've crossed paths with. Someone who impressed you, maybe. Or someone who reached out to you. If such a person comes to mind, consider asking him or her to meet regularly with you, perhaps just as a sounding board at first. Let the relationship develop from there.
• Consult a spiritual director. Spiritual direction may be a new concept for you, but it can be a transforming experience to have someone to meet with regularly who will listen--not only to you but also to the Holy Spirit--and offer sensitive wisdom and guidance. My friend Kasey is a fine example of this kind of ministry. Christian spiritual directors in your area can be found through Spiritual Directors International. 
• Find a good Christian counselor. Years ago, my church planting coach would ask me and my co-pastor every time we met, "Do you have a shrink yet?" He clearly considered it not only important but also urgent. So I started meeting regularly with a counselor, and boy was I glad I did. A good Christian counselor can often be like a pastor to a pastor; mine was to me. If the first person you consult isn't quite a "match," don't give up. Keep trying. Ask others for recommendations or start here. 
• Use available resources. I can't emphasize enough the importance of an actual, on-site, flesh-and-blood person to pour into you as you are pouring into others. But in rare circumstances, that may not be possible for you. If that is the case, make sure to utilize all available resources, such as: 
• "Thriving Pastor," the ministry to pastors of Focus on the Family. They also provide a Facebook page, Twitter account, and pastoral care line (844-4PASTOR).  
• Podcasts. I have been fed and encouraged over the years by the podcasts of various pastors--some that provide encouragement specifically to those in ministry and others, like Erwin McManus or James MacDonald, that podcast sermons or Bible studies. Here is a helpful listing. 
• Retreats. I've posted previously on this blog about retreat centers and getaways that are offered specifically for pastors (here). While some hosts at such places leave you alone, others make themselves available for those who want to talk. Such encounters may lead to a more enduring relationship, magnifying the benefit of the retreat. 

These are just a few ideas. But please believe me when I say you need a pastor. What's good for the sheep is good for the shepherd. It will strengthen you and your ministry, making you even more of an example to the flock.

(photo via everystockphoto.com)

Pastor, Get Outta Town!

My online friend (that's the only way most people will associate with me), Lawrence Wilson, recently posted an updated list of free or low-cost retreat and vacation opportunities for pastors on his website, here.

I have personally benefitted from his list--and in the past have taken free or low-cost retreats in Kentucky, Colorado, Michigan, Ohio, and Indiana (the photo at left was taken on one such retreat, in an idyllic setting in Durango, Colorado). I highly recommend and strongly encourage you to peruse Larry's list and plan ahead to schedule not just a retreat, but regular, re-creative retreats...for your sake and for the sake of your marriage, family, and ministry.

I Could Not Agree More

What It Takes to Survive and Thrive in Ministry

We study everything these days. By that I mean we poll and survey and analyze and conduct studies on so many things, some of which you'd think would be obvious.

That seems to be the case with the following by Bob Burns on The Gospel Coalition:

What does it take for pastors to survive and thrive in ministry?

This was the key question asked in an eight-year study funded by the Lilly Endowment that I had the privilege to coordinate through Covenant, Reformed, and Westminster Seminaries....After hundreds of hours of meeting with pastors and their spouses, then working through the data, our research team identified five primary themes for fruitful ministry, which are shared in the book Resilient Ministry. While these themes aren’t the holy grail of ministry survival, my co-authors and I believe each one plays an important role in pastoral resilience.

Those themes are spiritual formation, self-care, emotional and cultural intelligence, marriage and family, and leadership and management.

On the one hand, it shouldn't take an eight-year study to figure that out. On the other hand, I am constantly amazed by how my ministry friends and colleagues ignore and neglect those priorities.

In fact, chances are you neglect those things too. So read more about the study and its results here. And please...if you're in ministry, make spiritual formation, self-care, emotional and cultural intelligence, marriage and family, leadership and management top priorities in your calendar, schedule, and life. Now.

7 Keys to Staying Married in Ministry

Today is the thirty-seventh wedding anniversary for me and the lovely Robin. It's hard to believe. Crazy.

While our marriage and family life haven't been without a struggle here or there (which were all my fault; that's my story and I'm sticking with it), our love hasn't just survived the challenges that come with being married while in ministry; it has grown and deepened along the way--to the extent that I list our marriage as a major ministry success (here). So since I am sometimes asked how Robin has managed to stay married to me all these years, I offer my best guesses as to what has done the trick for us:

1. Date night. From the very start, we have reserved one evening a week to date each other. To focus on each other. To remember why we fell in love in the first place.

2. Boundaries. I wrote a whole post about "Boundaries for Pastors," so I won't belabor it here. But careful boundaries have protected us both, and deepened our mutual trust.

3. Days off and vacations. I know some ministry couples who rarely take days off and seldom take their vacation time from the church. I think that's foolish. You can't give good things to your spouse if you've spent it all at the church.

4. Retreats and classes. Over the years, the lovely Robin and I have taken periodic marriage retreats or enrichment weekends. Those things have given us invaluable help in (for example), learning each other's intimacy needs, conflict-management styles, and learning styles, among other things. They've helped us to gain deeper understanding of each other and make adjustments along the way.

5. Premarital counseling. We never had premarital counseling before our wedding. But we've provided it for scores of couples--and each time we do, we brush up on our own skills.

6. Frequent renewal of vows. On our thirty-fifth anniversary, the lovely Robin and I renewed our vows behind a waterfall in Great Smoky Mountain National Park. That was fun and wonderful. But we do much the same thing at every wedding we attend, holding hands and silently renewing our vows as the couple getting married recite theirs.

7. Mutuality. Our marriage has never been a hierarchy but a gift-based partnership (1 Corinthians 7:4, 11:11-12). We each have clearly defined responsibilities and roles, but in our marriage these things are based on the way God has molded us and gifted us. We try to outdo each other in love, respect, kindness, and self-sacrifice...and we both end up winning.

I could go on, of course. The lovely Robin's beauty, grace, and patience should top the list, no doubt. But these seven things have gone a long way toward enabling us to go a long way--more than halfway to our seventieth anniversary.

Pastor, Get a Life. Seriously.

Pastoring can be a tough gig. The work is never done. People can be changeful creatures. Ministry is so constant, need never takes a holiday, crises never cease, and criticism rolls on like a never-ending stream. Every time you deliver a sermon, the next one is a mere six days away. Every time someone volunteers, someone else resigns. For every repentant soul, there are half a dozen who are making eyes at the devil. Or so it seems at times.

That's why I'm convinced every pastor needs a good hobby. Something that can counter the frustrations and struggles of ministry. Something to make Mondays a little brighter. Something to replenish the empty fuel tank. Something sufficiently different from ministry pursuits to constitute a mini-vacation every week or so...if only for an hour or two. Like:

Jigsaw puzzles. New ones, so there are no missing pieces. Because, unlike ministry, they can be finished!

Hiking or Jogging. Gets you outside. Gets your dopamine flowing. Every run or hike you complete is a small victory.

Photography. When you take a nice picture, it stays took. It never turns around to bite you, either.

Sudoku. Numbers go in squares. Numbers add up. Numbers stay in squares. Numbers seldom get mean. Unlike people.

Writing. Unlike ministry, in which (ultimately) few things are in your control, words do what you tell them to do. Most of the time, anyway.

Music. Whether you collect, play, or attend, music really doth hath charms to soothe the savage breast.

Travel. Nothing like the open road--or open sea--to clear your head and renew your soul. Some find a bike or motorcycle helpful. Others seek a change of climate. Some RV it. Whatever works for you, but it should be something that can be repeated more than a few times a year.

Grandkids. Not sure it qualifies as a hobby, but one of the most restorative things I do is pick up my grandkids and take them out to lunch. Or take them on a picnic. Or to the zoo or children's museum. It's often the emotional high point of my week.

These are just a few ideas, of course. What about you? Do you have a hobby that refreshes you?

Boundaries for Pastors

It has happened again.

The news broke a few days ago that a well-known and -respected pastor has confessed to a "moral failure" and resigned from his position (story here).

The church hasn't specified the nature of the moral failure, which is a good thing. No one profits from sharing details. There are only too many ways a pastor can fail, though some wise boundaries can help to protect both pastor and flock.

Sometime early in my ministry, wise counsel helped me establish a few boundaries that have protected me, my family, and my flocks for more than three decades. Maybe these specific "hedges" (as my friend Jerry Jenkins calls them in his excellent book, Hedges) aren't for everyone, but they have often and repeatedly been a cause for gratitude and deliverance in my life:

Sexual/relational boundaries
At some point early in my ministry, I decided not to allow myself to be alone in a room or vehicle with another woman who was not a member of my immediate family. While this sometimes made for awkward adjustments (and my total lack of style or sophistication sometimes hurt feelings), it ensured that neither I nor anyone else ever had the least opportunity to become emotionally involved, let alone romantically or sexually compromised. I gave my wife regular and unfiltered access to all my online activity--emails, websites, etc.--as well as employing filtering and reporting software. Also, on occasions, when a woman has begun calling me a little too frequently, I made sure to have my wife answer the phone and return calls on my behalf. Not everyone understood such "hedges," of course, and I've even been criticized for "legalism" in adhering to them, but they've kept me from failing and (as far as I know) protected me and others in my flock from becoming the subject of suspicion, rumors, and gossip.

Financial/ethical boundaries
When I started ringing bells for The Salvation Army as a (just barely) teenager, my father instructed me never to reach into the red kettle, not even to help coins or bills make it all the way into the hole; he showed me how to turn my little bell upside down and poke stray money into the kettle with the handle. That may seem extreme, but it taught me an important principle, to avoid both the appearance of and the opportunity for financial impropriety. From that moment on, as a pastor and agency executive, I avoided counting or processing money without at least one other person (non-family member) present. I made sure donations and offerings were speedily processed and immediately deposited. Whenever possible, I placed responsible and gifted people in charge of church finances, including my salary and benefits, and encouraged regular audits. I strove to be among the biggest givers (by percentage, anyway) in the congregations I served. And I didn't shy from opportunities to let people see that I drove a car and lived in a home that clearly indicated a lifestyle of stewardship, not extravagance (inviting people into our home, for example, or offering to be the driver for various outings, etc.).

Professional boundaries
Early in my ministry, I was part of an organization that provided careful and thorough oversight to pastors. Regular (and detailed) reports, reviews, and audits were required. On my best days I viewed these, not as necessary evils, but as opportunities to express myself and receive feedback from others. Since then, I have tried to give board members and church members alike as much information as possible into the tasks and demands of ministry. At the same time, however, I did my best to install and honor a high level of pastoral confidentiality in praying with and counseling people--even when it kept me from explaining or defending myself.

Personal/marriage/family boundaries
It took a few years, but eventually I learned that my marriage and family were not separate from my ministry, but a primary focus of it (see more here). Therefore, the lovely Robin and I did our best to make our weekly "date night" inviolable. We eventually prioritized a "family night," too. And by the time I had the privilege of planting a church, I had learned the importance of a weekly Sabbath day to restore my energies and refresh my soul (and those of other pastoral staff). Regular meetings with accountability partners and prayer partners also became an important part of my personal and spiritual growth, as did the prioritization of friendships outside the church, which enlarged my vistas and assuaged the loneliness that often accompanies pastoral ministry (and sometimes leads to failure and tragedy).

These are not the only boundaries pastors need, of course. But they are pretty high on the list, I think. In any case, I've had cause to give thanks to God for those who urged such practices on me, knowing the truth of the Scriptural admonition, "Let anyone who thinks that he stands take heed lest he fall" (1 Corinthians 10:12, ESV).

Why I Value Professional Counseling

It's not just because my wife is a gifted professional counselor. And it's not just because I'm a tad crazy (okay, more than a tad). But there are numerous reasons I value professional counseling--especially for those in the helping professions, and even more so for anyone in ministry.

Here are seven reasons I have long valued professional counseling, and particularly during my decades of pastoral ministry:

1. Smart people advise it. For several years, while being coached as a church planter by my friend Steve Sjogren, he would ask in probably more than half of our meetings together, "Are you seeing a shrink yet?" At that time, my answer was no. But he, with wisdom borne of years of successful ministry, continued to promote to me and my co-pastor the importance of self-care for pastors, which includes having a counselor to talk to.

2. It is wise preparation. As I told my first counselor when he asked me in our first session, "Why are you here?," I sought out counseling when I wasn't in crisis because I knew (as I myself had counseled many) that the best time to seek help is before a crisis hits. And, boy, did that ever prove wise.

3. Ministry invites spiritual warfare. The burdens of leadership and ministry are so heavy at times that it is so valuable just to have an outlet, a pressure release valve, someone who isn't a member of the church, and who can offer comfort and counsel and wisdom and perspective.

4. It sets a good example for the flock. It is one thing to recommend counseling to people from some position of supposed superiority, and a much better thing to model the fact that a person doesn't have to be crazy to seek counseling (even if I am).

5. It is a key part of an accountability network. My counselor has helped to expose my blind spots and ask the hard questions of me. I hate that. But it is helpful and necessary.

6. It provides spiritual partnership and direction. I chose a counselor who was also a qualified spiritual director. So he has often helped me get better at listening to God and discerning what God is trying to say to me (most of the time, it's "Hey! Anybody in there?"). The value of spiritual direction is not mainly in answering my questions, but in questioning my answers.

7. It clears the clouded head. Often, after seeing my counselor, I have experienced a renewed mental, emotional, and spirituality clarity as a result of offloading some of the confusing and conflicting thoughts in my head. Turns out such clarity is an asset for a pastor. Who knew?

These are, of course, just seven among many reasons I value professional counseling...and recommend it. Especially, as I said earlier, for those in ministry.

Hi, My Name is Bob. I'm an Overfunctioner.

Kevin Martineau recently confessed to being an "overfunctioner" on his excellent blog (one of a few dozen I check daily). He says, "An overfunctioner is someone who takes increasing amounts of responsibility for the functioning of one or more other people."

I know I am. But what are you?

Read the whole thing here.

Signs You Are Too Busy

From Kevin Martineau's blog--one I read daily--comes a helpful post for pastors, entitled, "7 Signs That You Are Too Busy."

He lists (and elaborates on each one, so read it all):

1. You can’t remember the last time you took a day off.

2. Those closest to you have stopped asking for your time.

3. Activities like eating are always done in tandem with other tasks.

4. You’re consistently more tired when you get up in the morning than you are when you go to bed.

5. The most exercise you get is sprinting from one commitment to the next.

6. You dread getting up in the morning.

7. “Survival mode” is your only mode.

That's a pretty good list. I might add a few others, like:

* A full day off or weekend is insufficient to restore your energy.

* You are regularly double-booked (or even triple-booked).

* A surgery-related hospital stay would seem like a vacation.

* Your patience and compassion seem to have disappeared.

What about you? What would you add? And if any of these signs look familiar, what are you going to do about it?

Wisdom Is Proved Right By Her Actions

This standing desk may well be the wisest purchase I have made in a long time (except for your book, if you're one of my fellow authors). It has drastically reduced the amount of time I spend sitting during my work day, and that's a good thing. It also djangles my creativity (see what I did there?), I think, to change posture off and on throughout the day. And, as everyone knows by now, THEY say sitting for long periods is bad for your health. And I am always careful to do what THEY say I should do. As should you. Unless you're one of THEY, in which case you already knew that.

My Favorite Things of 2012

I started a new spiritual discipline a few years ago: to spend time at the end of the year reflecting on God's goodness to me by means of a "top 100" list of my favorite things in the previous year. It is an exercise in mindfulness, and gratitude. And editing, too, as I invariably have to cut the list to get it down to 100--which, of course, is a lesson in itself.

Unlike past years, I've elected NOT to include my favorite books among the "favorite things" list this year, for several reasons: there's not room, and I already list my top ten books and audiobooks on this blog at the end of the year as it is.

A couple qualifications. Each of the following should be prefaced with “By God’s grace." And, after the first few, the list proceeds in roughly chronological order, rather than in order of priority. So don't get all worked up about the order; they're all my favorites, okay?

Here it is, then--a look back on yet another year of blessing:

1. Celebrating our 35th anniversary by renewing our wedding vows in Gatlinburg
2. Dedicating Baby Ryder
3. Losing 40 pounds
4. Sunday lunches with the kids and grandkids
5. Seeing A Dangerous Method at the Esquire with Robin
6. Writing at Sitwell’s Coffeehouse in Clifton
7. 1000th Desperate Pastor blog post
8. 2000th prayer blog post
9. My fifty-fourth birthday dinner with the family
10. Friends of the Lane Library book sale at MUH
11. Eating at Mama’s Farmhouse in Pigeon Forge
12. Eating at the Peddler Steakhouse in Gatlinburg
13. My & Robin’s March visit with Rick and Glenn in Atlanta
14. Watching Foyle’s War with Robin
15. Sunday dinners with the kids and grandkids
16. Watching Downton Abbey with Robin
17. The Newport Gangster Tour (in May) with the lovely Robin
18. The June 25 Reds’ game with the whole family (and more!)
19. Watching Modern Family with Robin
20. Breakfasts on the deck
21. Getting book endorsements from Len Sweet, Eugene Peterson, Rick Hamlin, and others
22. Backyard pool parties with the grandkids
23. Eating at Montgomery Inn with the Phillips/Sellers wedding party (March)
24. A wonderful vacation with the kids and grandkids in Gatlinburg
25. Watching my kids with their kids
26. Signing the How to Survive the End of the World book contract
27. Writing How to Survive the End of the World
28. Writing How to Fall in Love with God
29. Writing the 30 Day Church Challenge book
30. Returning to SFOT to speak for the June staff conference
31. Presenting at the Mad Anthony Writer’s Conference in April
32. Performing Kyle & Shannon’s wedding
33. Preaching at Hamilton Vineyard
34. Preaching at Grace Pointe Community Church
35. Teaching the J-Term at Taylor University in Upland, Indiana
36. Eating at Payne’s in Gas City, Indiana
37. Mia’s third birthday party
38. Miles’s fifth birthday party
39. Calleigh’s third birthday party
40. Writing 8 sermons for publication
41. Reading dozens of books to the grandkids
42. Eating at Montgomery Inn with Ron and Mariruth (January)
43. Coffee and more at True West Café in Hamilton
44. The June Great Strides walk
45. Raising $3,000+ (with Robin) for the Cystic Fibrosis Foundation
46. Worshiping at Church of the Apostles in Atlanta (March)
47. Larry’s visit in May
48. Visiting Lawnfield (the Garfield home & museum) with Larry in May
49. Hostetler Heritage Tour in Silverton, Deer Park, Pleasant Ridge, etc., with Larry
50. Taking the grandkids to McDonald’s playland
51. Dinner at The Grand Finale with the lovely Robin, Rick, and Glenn
52. Taking the grandkids to the Cincinnati Children’s Museum
53. Getting books from Lane Library
54. Getting ebooks and audiobooks on Overdrive
55. Hiking in the Smokies
56. Driving tour of Milford Township on date night with Robin
57. Tour of the Cincinnati Observatory with Robin
58. Robin’s birthday dinner with the kids and grandkids
59. Preaching at Veritas Church
60. Taking Miles and Mia to the Butler County Fair
61. Watching The Forsyte Saga with Robin
62. Family Fun Day at Butler Rural Electric Cooperative with Miles and Mia
63. Getting a great deal on Robin’s Mazda 6
64. Signing the Brengle contract with Tyndale
65. Watching Daniel Deronda with Robin
66. Getting Robin an iPad, and watching her use it
67. Refinancing the house, paying off debt
68. “The Tempest” at Vinoklet Winery with Robin, Don, & Arvilla
69. Montgomery Inn with Aubrey, Robin, Don, & Arvilla
70. Reds v. Cubs with Don in August
71. Sunday morning worship at Camp Swoneky (Family Camp, August)
72. Macbeth at Seasongood Pavilion in Eden Park with the lovely Robin
73. Qualifying to go off the Medi-Share Restore program on Aug. 31
74. Watching The Pacific with Robin
75. Seeing my byline on a Christmas article in a Guideposts publication
76. Taking Starbucks to Aaron (and sometimes Nina) on Thursdays
77. Speaking at the SASF retreat at Camp Paradise Valley in Kentucky
78. Taking a couple days of R&R with Robin at Camp Paradise Valley in Kentucky
79. Dinner at the Dale Hollow Lake State Park Resort in September
80. Teaching a marriage retreat, preaching, and seeing old friends at Montclair
81. Publishing articles in The War Cry, Live, Christian Communicator, The Lookout, Bible Advocate, Herald of His Coming, Young Salvationist, and Seek
82. Listening to Page CXVI and Derek Webb at True West with Robin, Aaron, and Nina
83. Dinner at Fiesta Charra with Scott and Julie
84. Aubrey’s birthday dinner
85. Preaching at First Baptist in Oxford
86. Speaking in Dillenburg, Germany
87. Visiting the Wilhelmsturm with Robin
88. Tuesdays with Calleigh and Ryder
89. Our November visit with Bill and Lorraine
90. Preaching at Russells Point Church of God
91. Listening to Aaron and Nina and “Red Letter Rising” at The Upper Room in Brookville
92. Gethsemani prayer retreat with Robin in November
93. Watching Wreck It Ralph with the kids and grandkids at the Rave
94. Thanksgiving at Aubrey and Kevin’s
95. Dinner and Anna Karenina in Mariemont with Robin
96. Hamilton’s German Village Christmas Walk with Robin, Aubrey, Calleigh, Ryder, Jessica, Ezra, and Mira
97. Festival of Lights with Robin, Aubrey, Kevin, Calleigh, and Ryder
98. Awaited at Crossroads with the whole family
99. Seeing The Hobbit with Robin
100. Our family Christmas dinner

A Filled-Up Soul

"A haunting memory sticks from years and years ago, when news came of a young husband in our congregation who was dead by an errant shot during a hunting trip. It was my lot as the family's pastor to rush to the home and sit with the family. As I drove away from my home, I found myself asking, "And what shall I give this family? My spiritual resources are dry. All I have is words, but my spirit seems empty." It was a most miserable moment, a scary one for a youthful pastor. And one of those times when I determined I would never again be caught with an empty soul when others needed spiritual resource.

"I came to see that I owed my congregation a filled-up soul. They needed this far more from me than all the church programs and visions I could put before them. Whether they encountered me in the pulpit or on the streets of our community during the week, they needed to know that if (perish the thought) there was only one human being in their world who had some experience in the presence of God, I would be that man."

(from Gordon MacDonald's A Resilient Life)

Get a Life Outside the Church

Barbara Brown Taylor, in her fine book, An Altar in the World, says,

Many years ago now I met with the other clergy in my small town on a monthly basis. We whined a lot, as most clergy do, about how hard our jobs were. We also encouraged one another, pooling our wisdom about how to keep our sense of vocation alive.

I felt most deeply for my Baptist colleague, whose religious tradition compelled him to preach three different sermons every week without falling behind on all the other tasks of keeping a medium-sized church going. If he stayed home until noon to work on his sermons, people complained that he was not available. If he came to the office to work on his sermons, people knocked on his door all morning long. What saved this guy, as far as I could tell, was the clown outfit in his closet. On his day off, he put it on and went wherever he could make people laugh: children's hospitals, nursing homes, charity benefits. Without the makeup, he was a pretty serious fellow, so it made perfect sense that his exercise in freedom required a wild orange wig. One day he was telling us about his Saturday gig when the Presbyterian among us interrupted him.

"I just figured out what I'm missing," he said. "I mean, what the rest of you have that I don't. All of you do something else besides church." He was right. The Methodist was a volunteer fireman. The Catholic taught Italian at a community college. I wrote books. All of us were committed to parish ministry, which was our main vocation. What allowed us to keep answering the call to do it, however, was knowing that there was something else we could do too.

I hope you recognize--and reflect in your life--the wisdom in those words. I honestly believe that having at least some kind of life outside the church is a MAJOR self-care issue. It is a MUST for your mental and spiritual health. In those times when your field of ministry is more struggle than celebration, it can be a literal lifesaver to have a pursuit, an escape, that will remind you that God is still good, you're not useless (at least not totally), and some things in your life still work.

So join the Clown College. Or the community orchestra. Or the gardening club. Or my fan club. It'd be nice to have somebody else attend the meetings.

Pastoral Code of Ethics

The National Association of Evangelicals has recently released a Pastoral Code of Ethics (read it here). It produced a mixed reaction in my mind and heart. On one hand, you'd think the ethics depicted in the code would be universally understood. On the other hand (and more's the pity), they're not--thus the need for the written code. And, it's almost always better for standards to be written down, in black-and-white, so there's no misunderstanding. On the other hand, what can we realistically expect the code to accomplish (I've repeatedly witnessed people in ministry ignoring guidelines and procedures they themselves wrote, advocated, lobbied for, and swore by not long before, in order to get what they wanted)? On the other hand, I'm gratified to see self-care specified in the pastoral code of ethics. On the other hand, the code says to "Identify a minister/counselor who can provide personal counseling and advice when needed;" not good enough. Everyone in a helping profession, everyone in ministry especially, should be talking to a counselor regularly; if you're in ministry, it's ALREADY "needed." On the other hand, I've lost track of all those hands.

Pastoral Burnout

These pastor burnout statistics come from H.B. London's updated edition of his book, Pastors at Greater Risk; I came across the graphic on the excellent Ministry Best Practices blog:

What Your Pastor Wants You to Know

Lysa TerKeurst--author, speaker, and president of Proverbs 31 Ministries--recently posted a lovely piece about how to bless your pastor. It will prompt an "amen" (or several) from every pastor and pastor's wife. I also hope it will prompt a wise and sympathetic response from every follower of Jesus.

She writes,

Originally, I planned on titling this message, “5 Ways to Bless Your Pastor.” But as I started interviewing Pastors and their wives about this article, I realized blessing our pastor isn’t just about doing something for him. Sometimes the biggest blessing can come from what we don’t do.

So, I retitled this blog hoping to truly give insight into what our Pastors want us to know but can’t really announce from the pulpit.

Read the rest here. And then please go and apply her counsel--immediately and often.

15 Personal Accountability Questions

I saw a great post by Kent Shaffer recently on churchrelevance.com, listing fifteen accountability questions. Good for anyone, but especially for those in ministry:

Having an accountability partner is only successful if you consistently meet, are brutally honest, and ask the right questions. Ed Stetzer has compiled a list of 48 accountability questions used by leaders such as John Wesley, Chuck Swindoll, Neil Cole, and Church Multiplication Associates. For my own use, I’ve adapted these questions into my top 15 personal accountability questions.

Spiritual

#1 - Did the Bible live in you this week?
#2 - Do you give it time to speak to you everyday?
#3 - Are you enjoying prayer?
#4 - Do you trust God?
#5 - When did you last speak to someone about your faith?

Relationships

#6 - Have you been honoring, understanding, and generous to your family and important relationships?
#7 - Have you damaged another person by your words, either behind their back or face-to-face?

Lust of the Eyes (Generosity)

#8 - Have you been materialistic or too focused on having something?
#9 - Have you been generous?

Pride of Life (Humility)

#10 - Have you been proud or too focused on being something?
#11 - Are you giving God the glory?

Lust of the Flesh (Integrity)

#12 - Is God honored in the way you eat and drink?
#13 - Are you improving your health through nutrition and exercise?
#14 - Have you been exposed to sexually alluring material or allowed your mind to entertain inappropriate thoughts about someone who is not your spouse this week?
#15 - Have you been with a woman anywhere this past week that might be seen as compromising?

These questions don’t cover everything, but they are manageable and help keep a broad scope of lifestyle goals in the forefront of your mind throughout the week.

Wow, that's pretty thorough. I have in the past given my accountability partner at most 5 or 6 questions to ask. I feel like such a slouch.

Where Do You Get Your Self Esteem?

I get mine from The Self Esteem Shop:


Not really. I get my self esteem from what the most important people in my life think and say about me. And the most important, my God, says I am a priest and king, dearly loved and wholly his!

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