Showing posts with label Top Ten. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Top Ten. Show all posts

10 Things I'd Do Differently

Billy Graham was once asked, "If you could, would you go back and do anything differently?" Billy. Graham. After roughly seventy years of amazingly effective ministry, perhaps the most effective itinerant ministry in history--at least since Paul of Tarsus.

I won't tell you what he said (you can read that interview here) other than to say he very quickly mentioned four things he would have done differently.

I'm no Billy Graham. I'm barely even Billy Goat Gruff (ask your mom). So if he listed four things he'd do differently, it should be no surprise to anyone that I can easily list ten:

1. I would pray a LOT more. I prayed, of course, from the start, but not nearly as I learned to do much later. Maybe it took the wisdom of years to realize how much I needed prayer and how much prayer I needed.

2. I would spend more time with my wife and kids. Unapologetically. Even fiercely.

3. I would say no. It also took me a long time to understand how much of a "people pleaser" I am, and how liable I was to let others set my agenda and calendar for me.

4. I would Sabbath. Several years in to my pastoral ministry experience, I did begin to carve out a "day off," but it wasn't until much later that I learned and experienced the blessing of a weekly Sabbath.

5. I would talk mission and vision incessantly. An older and wiser pastor once urged me to cast vision every ninety days or it will "seep out." My response was more or less, "yeah, right." He was right. I was wrong.

6. I would read my Bible. Sure, sure, I read my Bible. Like every pastor. That's just it, though. If I had the chance to do it again, I would read my Bible more and differently--like a pirate reads a treasure map, like a death row prisoner reads a pardon, like a poor relation reads a rich uncle's will.

7. I would show mercy. I regret some of my leadership decisions over the years, and most--maybe all--of my regrets relate to a failure of mercy.

8. I would (God helping me, because He would have to, contrary to my nature as it is) address conflict, gossip, and disunity one-on-one, as early as possible and as often as necessary.

9. I would do less and teach my church how to do less. I would focus on a few things (as this book suggests) and do them well, and one of those few things would be helping the church do a few things and do them well.

10. I would eschew "growing my church" in favor of "blessing our community."

Shoot, I could easily keep going. And going. I could be the "Energizer Bunny" of "things I would do differently." But these will suffice for now, because they will have to.

Post #1,500!

This post is the 1,500th to appear here on the Desperate Pastor blog.

That's just crazy.

A lot has happened since the first Desperate Pastor post (on April 25, 2009, titled "The Beauty of Broken Things." That's it in the screenshot at right).

Out of 1,500 posts, you would think that one or two might have actually been good. Right? Well, maybe not. But some have seemed to be more helpful than others, judging from traffic and response. So below are ten of the best, leaving the other 1,490 in the dust:

1. How I Got My Groove Back

2. Balancing Ministry and Family

3. 7 Keys to Staying Married in Ministry

4. You Probably Will Not Like My Church

5. A New Way to Pray 

6. Sense-ational Preaching

7. Boundaries for Pastors

8. My Single Most Effective Office Organization Tool

9. Top Ten Things I've Learned as a Pastor

10. Why I Value Female Ministry and Leadership

Next stop: 2,000 posts. If the Desperate Pastor lives that long. And Jesus tarries. And the creek don't rise.

Thanks to all the faithful readers (both of you) of this blog. Keep it up.

My Top Ten Top Tens

I've shared many "Top Ten" lists on this blog, many of them from sermons I preached (which may explain why I'm not asked to preach as often as I used to be). But that's okay. Not everybody gets me. Okay, so no one really gets me. But the following Top Ten lists were pretty good in my head:

1. Top Ten Things You DON'T Want to Hear When Your Pastor Visits You in the Hospital

2. Top Ten Signs Your Sermon Isn't Going Well

3. The Top Ten Signs the Apocalypse is Near

4. Top Ten Things You Really Shouldn’t Say in Church

5. The Top Ten Worst Ways to Start a Spiritual Conversation with Someone

6. The Top Ten Reasons People Don’t Go to Church

7. The Top Ten Mysteries of Life

8. The Top 10 Signs You’re In a Dangerous Church

9. Top Ten Worst Things To Do With Your Tax Refund

10. Top Ten Things I've Learned As a Pastor


On This Blog's Sixth Anniversary

I know you will find this hard to believe, but tomorrow--April 25, 2015--marks the sixth anniversary of the Desperate Pastor blog.


The first post in Desperate Pastor history appeared on April 25, 2009. It was titled, "The Beauty of Broken Things." Since then, as of this post, 1,484 posts have appeared in this humble little corner of the internet.

So, to celebrate, let me offer, based on a thoroughly scientific formula of traffic, reader response, and my own personal preferences, ten of the top Desperate Pastor posts in the first six years:

1. 7 Keys to Staying Married in Ministry

2. You Probably Will Not Like My Church

3. A New Way to Pray 

4. Sense-ational Preaching

5. Balancing Ministry and Family

6. Boundaries for Pastors

7. How I Got My Groove Back

8. My Single Most Effective Office Organization Tool

9. Top Ten Things I've Learned as a Pastor

10. Why I Value Female Ministry and Leadership

Of course, I could list many more: many book reviews have been among my favorites. I love "The Pastor's Desk" recurring feature. I thoroughly enjoy recapping my reading at the end of each year. And more. But the above will serve, for now.

Thank you for reading this blog. Please keep reading. I'll do my best to make Year 7 better than those that have gone before.

(photo courtesy of everystockphoto.com)

Happy Fourth Anniversary!


Congratulations to the Desperate Pastor blog, which today marks its fourth anniversary!

The first post in Desperate Pastor history appeared on April 25, 2009. It was titled, "The Beauty of Broken Things." Since then, more than 1,200 posts have appeared in this humble little corner of the internet.

It's amazing how much ground we've covered in those four years, and how much can change (and has)! In that short timespan I've gone from struggle to victory, from discouragement to depression to deliverance, from pastoring full-time back to writing full-time (though I suppose I will always be a pastor at heart).

So, to celebrate, let me offer, based on a thoroughly scientific formula of traffic, reader response, and my own personal preferences, ten of the top Desperate Pastor posts in the first four years:

1. Sense-ational Preaching

2. Why Every Pastor Should Go to Israel

3. Balancing Ministry and Family

4. How I Got My Groove Back

5. How Technology Helps Me

6. Top Ten Things I've Learned as a Pastor

7. A 21st Century Epidemic

8. Me and My Prayer Journal

9. My Ten Favorite Moments as a Pastor

10. My Top Ten Successes as a Pastor

Thank you for reading this blog. Please keep reading. I'll do my best to make Year 5 better than those that have gone before.

My Top Ten Successes as a Pastor


A couple days ago I reflected on some of my failings and failures as a pastor (a tough job, narrowing all that material down to just ten items). Today I thought I'd exit the confessional and with the understanding that every one of the following must be swallowed only with the phrase, "by the grace and endless patience of God," I offer my (more or less) top ten successes over thirty-plus years (and four churches) as a pastor:

1. Guiding many to faith in Christ. No idea how many, but I treasure such memories as the recovering alcoholic kneeling at the altar, the brainy young woman at the coffeehouse table, the couple who entered premarital counseling as skeptics and got married as new Christ-followers, and the man who said he'd never felt "good enough" to give his life to Christ but ended up tearfully surrendering in the presence of me and his wife.

2. Staying married. This may not seem like a "pastoral success," but it is a victory to maintain a vibrant marriage through the strains and stresses of ministry. Of course, it's due mostly to my wife's wisdom and patience, but still...

3. Avoiding even the hint of scandal. Early in our ministry, my wife and I were given wise counsel to build strong boundaries and safeguards into our ministry, which we did. As a result, my deep storehouse of cluelessness and stupidity never resulted in anything remotely resembling a scandal--sexual, financial, or otherwise.

4. Raising two awesome kids. Again, not everyone would list this among their ministry triumphs, but I totally do. As I've posted elsewhere on this blog (here), I consider my marriage and family to be my first ministry priority (after the care of my own soul). So, though this, too, is due primarily to my wife's wisdom and patience, to have played a part in the raising of such exceptional people as Aubrey and Aaron is a great honor and joy (3 John 4).

5. Influencing and ordaining people for ministry. Over the years, we've been honored to play a small role in the decisions and direction of a dozen or more people who have entered full-time ministry and gone on to serve God with amazing effectiveness. They may not have been aware of our prayers. They may not remember our influence (if we had any). But we remember them with great and abiding gratitude and joy.

6. Helping God heal broken hearts. Repeatedly, it seems, the lovely Robin and I entered ministry situations where people's hearts had been broken. Some had been wounded by a pastor or church worker. Some were alienated from the church. We thank God that he allowed us to play a part in healing many broken hearts, and restoring many to the fellowship of the saints.

7. Starting Cobblestone Community Church. If you had told me thirty-three years ago that I would one day help to start a new church, I would have called you crazy. It was not in my sights. It was not in my skill set. But God gave me that honor, inexplicably.

8. Becoming a praying pastor. I wish it weren't true, but it is: I was not a man of prayer when I started in the ministry. And it took some time for God to revolutionize my prayer life, but he did. I thank him from the bottom of my heart that my later years of pastoral ministry were undergirded by prayer. They probably would have killed me, otherwise.

9. Making and cultivating lifelong friendships. At the very start of our ministry, the lovely Robin and I were counseled by some folks we respect to keep "a healthy distance" between ourselves and people in the church. We decided together to ignore that advice, and we've never been sorry. We treasure the friendships we made with God's people, many of which remain not only intact but close to this day.

10. Leaving things better than before. In ministry as in camping, it has always been a goal of mine to leave things better than I found them. I think the lovely Robin and I managed that, by God's grace. We had ups and downs, of course, but God granted us growth--numerically and spiritually--in each church. We managed to resurrect a failed capital campaign in our first church, breaking ground on an addition the day we were told we'd be moving. We inaugurated a groundbreaking child care center at our church in Cincinnati. We teamed with others to acquire land and build The Loft, the current home of Cobblestone Community Church. Over the years we saw people change and grow; we saw their faith deepen and broaden. We helped guide hundreds of thousand of dollars to missions efforts all over the world. We baptized, counseled, dedicated, married, and buried some of the finest people on the face of the earth. And more, but all of it by the grace of God.

Looking back, it is worth noting that the things I value most highly today are not the programs we ran or the budgets I administered. Not even the sermons I preached, though I always found great joy in that. Most of the "successes," if it's even appropriate to call them that, were the result of plodding faithfulness and relationship building. They were battles won in my prayer chair and in the day-to-day "inglorious" tasks of marriage, parenthood, friendship, and love.

A Pastor's Favorite Poets

In honor of National Poetry Month (and also because I think there is an intersection--an overlap--between the poet's craft and the pastor's task, as M. Craig Barnes so ably demonstrates in his book, The Pastor as Minor Poet), I herewith offer my ten favorite poets:

1. William Shakespeare
"Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player..."

2. Robert Frost
"Two roads diverged in a yellow wood..."

3. Emily Dickinson
"Each life converges to some centre/Expressed or still..."

4. Wendell Berry
"Even while I dreamed I prayed that what I saw was only fear and no foretelling..."

5. Mary Oliver
"I thought the earth remembered me..."

6. Robinson Jeffers
"The wild God of the world is sometimes merciful to those/That ask mercy, not often to the arrogant..."

7. Christina Rossetti
"Then He shall say, 'Arise, My love,/My fair one, come away.'"

8. Albert Orsborn
"I know Thee as Thou art/And what Thy healing name..."

9. Edgar Lee Masters
"Out of me unworthy and unknown /The vibrations of deathless music..."

10. Richard Wilbur
"I can’t forget/How she stood at the top of that long marble stair/Amazed..."

Top Ten Things I've Learned As a Pastor


I was ordained to the ministry nearly thirty-three years ago. In that time, I've learned a thing or two. Here are the top 10 things I've learned as a pastor.

1. Pastors have it all together. No unbelief, no depression, no struggles.

2. Pastors only have to work one day a week. The rest of the week is for other stuff, like fishing and hunting.

3. I don't mind church folk treating my home and time as their own. They can drop in anytime. No need to knock either.

4. Leadership is easy; you just tell people what to do.

5. Preaching is easy; you just tell people what to do.

6. It's hard to fill forty or fifty hours a week with teaching, preaching, sermon writing, hospital visitation, leadership meetings, answering emails and phone calls, pastoral counseling, staff meetings, planning sessions, coming up with new and fresh ideas, listening to complaints, meeting with hurting people, making difficult decisions, recruiting new volunteers, and so on.

7. My wife, like me, just lives to meet everyone's expectations of what a pastor's wife should be. Same with my kids. That's why we're here, to please everyone.

8. The nicest thing about being a pastor is nobody ever disagrees or gets mad at you. And even if they did, they would come to you and tell you instead of talking to others about you.

9. Pastors have things so easy, they don't need a day off or a Sabbath or much vacation at all. And sabbaticals would just be a waste of the church's money.

10. If you are a follower of Christ, you will be blessed financially. And pastors most of all!

What a Church Should Teach

Churches teach many things. Some intentionally, some unintentionally. In the course of a year, a church may teach on marriage, finances, controversial social issues, etc. Good stuff. But the really crucial things a church should teach its members is a much shorter list. Maybe something like this:

1. How to love
2. How to pray
3. How to repent
4. How to give
5. How to serve others
6. How to read and study the Bible
7. How to live justly
8. How to show mercy and grace
9. How to worship
10. How to forgive

Happy Anniversary, Desperate Pastor!

Congratulations to the Desperate Pastor blog, which marks its third anniversary today!

The first post in Desperate Pastor history appeared on April 25, 2009. It was titled, "The Beauty of Broken Things." Since then, more than 1,000 posts have appeared in this humble little corner of the internet.

In that time, I've gone from struggle to victory, from discouragement to depression to deliverance, from pastoring full-time back to writing full-time (but still, in many ways, of course, a pastor at heart). I've thought often about discontinuing the blog. Still do, from time to time, but both faithful readers of the blog insists that they find it helpful.

So, to celebrate, let me offer, based on a thoroughly scientific formula of traffic, reader response, and my own personal preferences, ten of the top Desperate Pastor posts in the first three years:

1. Sense-ational Preaching

2. Why Every Pastor Should Go to Israel

3. Balancing Ministry and Family

4. How I Got My Groove Back

5. How Technology Helps Me

6. Top Ten Things I've Learned as a Pastor

7. A 21st Century Epidemic

8. Me and My Prayer Journal

9. Pastoral Naiveté

10. The Blessings of Compline

Thank you for reading this blog. Please keep reading. I'll do my best to make Year 4 better than those that have gone before.

Top Ten Reasons Christmas is More Popular Than Easter

I featured this Top Ten list in my Easter sermon this morning. The Top Ten Reasons Christmas is More Popular Than Easter (despite the fact that Easter is the most significant day, not only in the Christian calendar, but in the history of humankind):

10. Christmas has hundreds of carols; Easter has that one “Easter Bonnet” song by Judy Garland.

9. Christmas has Santa Claus; the Easter Bunny just can’t compete.

8. Christmas has elaborate and fragrant Christmas trees; Easter has plastic eggs hanging from trees.

7. Christmas has figgy pudding. Okay, no one knows what that is, so never mind.

6. Christmas has festive light displays; Easter has grass and flowers.

5. Christmas has angels; Easter has angels, too. Call it a tie.

4. Christmas has cookies; Easter has chocolate. Okay, count that as “1” for Easter.

3. Christmas has office parties; Easter doesn’t. Okay, count that as “2” for Easter.

2. Christmas is all about a baby, and everybody loves babies; there are no babies in the Easter story.

And, the number one reason Christmas is more popular than Easter:

1. On Christmas we get countless toys, games, and gizmos as gifts; on Easter we get a basket and new clothes. No comparison.

And, yes, I know these reasons are incredibly shallow. That's the point.

Top Ten Christian Halloween Costumes

This week's top ten list is the Top Ten Christian Halloween Costumes:

10. Wear a giant fish costume, and carry a loaf of bread and a calculator. Go as the multiplying loaves and fishes.
9. Go as the back end of Balaam's donkey
8. Dress up as a pair of gnashing teeth, and play a continuous tape of nails scratching on a chalkboard. Call it "Hell."
7. Wear a wedding dress and zombie make-up. When they open the door say, "Church, it's not just for weddings and funerals anymore."
6. Ring the doorbell and run away, leaving a pair of sneakers and a treat bag with the sign "sorry, got raptured."
5. Go as a python with a squashed head.
4. Go as the front end of Balaam's donkey
3. Dress as a yellow and black striped leaf. Ask people if they Beeleaf in Jesus.
2. Hide in a big basket with a miner's light on your head. When they open the door, be the light that will not be hid under the bushel.

And the number one Christian Halloween Costume:

1. Wear a name-tag with the name "Walter" and tie a wok to your head as a hat. "If you keep your eyes on Jesus you can Wok on Walter."

10 Things Brady Boyd Wishes Someone Had Told Him

Brady Boyd pastors New Life Church in Colorado Springs, CO. He recently blogged about things he wishes someone would have told him about ministry years ago. I found this on Monday Morning Insight:

1. Sheep bites can’t kill me, but the gnawing will make life miserable a few days each year.

2. No matter how hard I try, I will always be tempted to measure my success by attendance numbers.

3. The best thing I can do to build and grow God’s kingdom is to be myself and not compare myself to others.

4. It takes a long time to become old friends so nurture and cherish the old friendships God has given me.

5. I will only have as much spiritual authority as I am willing to submit to myself. Independence will destroy me but there is power in submission.

6. If it were easy, everyone would be doing it. Challenge people to go deeper even when the message is unpopular.

7. My brain will always feel like scrambled eggs on Sunday afternoon so don’t make any major decisions until Tuesday morning.

8. Some people will only trust you after a really long time of proving yourself and another group will never trust you no matter what you do.

9. Don’t feel guilty about taking a Sabbath. It was not a suggestion.

10. I will never regret spending time with my family instead of saying yes to a church meeting that someone else could lead.

My All-Time Top Ten Favorite Desperate Pastor Blog Posts

The Desperate Pastor Blog came into existence in April 2009. Since then, hundreds of posts--top ten lists, "laughs of the week," book reviews, "videos of the week," and more--have appeared. It's a daunting task to try to narrow those down to ten favorites. But here they are, from the most recent (#1) to the oldest (#10):

1. How I Got My Groove Back

2. For Those Who Are Frustrated with a Leader

3. How Technology Helps Me

4. Top Ten Things I've Learned as a Pastor

5. A Desperate Pastor's Key Relationships

6. Why Every Pastor Should Go to Israel

7. Me and My Prayer Journal

8. People Will Talk

9. The Blessings of Compline

10. Why I See a Shrink

Top Ten Last Words

I shared several of these (not the whole list) in the intro to my message this past Sunday, "The Last Words," on Revelation 22, the final installment in our awesome "How to Survive the End of the World" series at Cobblestone. So, here are those last words, plus a few more to make the Top Ten Last Words:

10. Lady Astor, the first female member of the British parliament, on her deathbed awoke and saw herself surrounded by family members. Her last words: “Am I dying. . . Or is this my birthday?”

9. Ethan Allen--the American patriot, not the furniture store--was told by his doctor, “General, I am afraid the angels are waiting for you,” to which Allen replied, “Waiting are they? Waiting are they? Well, LET ‘EM wait!”

8. The dying words of Pancho Villa, the famous Mexican bandit, were, “Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something.”

7. Julius Caesar: "Et tu, Brute?"

6. Caesar Augustus: "I found Rome brick, I left it marble."

5. The emperor Caligula: "I am still alive."

4. Believe it or not, the last words of Leonardo da Vinci--creator of the Mona Lisa and the Last Supper, among many other works of art and science--were, "I have offended God and mankind because my work did not reach the quality it should have."

3. Writer and scalawag Oscar Wilde: "Either that wallpaper goes, or I do."

2. General John Sedgwick, a Union commander at the battle Spotsylvania, uttered the famous last words, “They couldn’t hit an elephant at this dista--”

And the number one famous last words:

1. Jesus, who told his servant John, "Yes, I am coming soon" (Revelation 22:20, NIV).

Top Ten Reasons the Reformed Theologian Did not Cross the Road

Okay, so it's really a top eleven list, not a top ten. And I stole it from the Parchment and Pen blog. But I got a kick out of it (and the other similar riffs on that blog). So here are the Top Ten Reasons the Reformed Theologian Did Not Cross the Road:
11. A woman already crossed. We don’t follow women.

10. We don’t believe the road is safe. It wasn’t built between 1500-1700 A.D.

9. We believe that “road crossing” ceased with the death of the last Apostle or the completion of the New Testament.

8. The crossing guard was only helping people cross from one side to the other, so we are suspicious. Is this a denial of double pre-destination?

7. Neither Romans 9 or John 6 say anything about crossing roads. Therefore, it is unbiblical.

6. The “Walk” sign was gender neutral. It made us mad.

5. The road was called Tiber Ave.

4. John Wesley said that God’s prevenient grace would pave the way, but we have to take the steps ourselves. What a load!

3. We were not elected to cross before the foundation of the road.

2. Piper said that God is most glorified when we are most satisfied on our side of the road.

1. The pub is on this side of the road.

The Top Ten Signs the Apocalypse is Near

Here's the Top Ten list I shared last Sunday in the intro to my message, "The Last Word on Politics," from Revelation 12-14.

10. LeBron James is gonna play for the “Heat.” Hello, symbolism, anyone?

9. Oil spill in the Gulf is now in the shape of Jesus.

8. Massachusetts elected a Republican senator. No, really.

7. Barney the dinosaur now wears a hooded black cape and carries a big ol' scythe.

6. Cockroaches are building little tiny bleachers all over the place to watch the end when it comes.

5. The Reds were in first place at the All-Star Break.

4. Your GPS announces "Right turn. Now approaching…Apocalypse."

3. Larry King is retiring. He was there at the beginning, he'll be there at the End.

2. Uncle Harvey’s trick knee is acting up something awful.

And the number one sign of the approaching apocalypse:

1. McDonald's sign reads "Over 666 billion sold."

10 Signs We Don’t Believe in the Power of the Holy Spirit

Usually the Top Ten lists I share here on the Desperate Pastor blog are intended to be humorous. But this one, swiped from Tony Morgan's excellent blog, is an exception. I think he's dead on, and pray for the Holy Spirit to correct these things in me and in my church. Tony writes,
Several weeks ago I was thinking about how little we talk about the power of the Holy Spirit in our lives as Christ-followers. I began to consider how I live out my life, and, I was convicted…which, by the way, is one indication that the Holy Spirit is active in our lives. I thought it might be good to consider the conversation here especially as it relates to leaders in the Church. Based on that, here are…

10 Signs that We Don’t Believe in the Power of the Holy Spirit
  1. We are experiencing anxiety and bitterness in our lives rather than joy and kindness. (Galatians 5:22-23)
  2. We can’t remember the last time we prayed for the people we lead. (Romans 8:26)
  3. The churches we lead aren’t growing and reaching more people. (Acts 9:31)
  4. The churches we lead aren’t outreach focused. (Acts 1:8)
  5. We think it’s our responsibility to convict people of sin. (John 16:8)
  6. We are stuck in sinful patterns rather than pursuing the things of God. (Galations 5:16:17)
  7. We think we have the power to change people. (2 Corinthians 3:17-18)
  8. We are more concerned about the rules than we are our freedom in Christ. (Galations 3:2-3)
  9. We think we can explain the mysteries of God. (1 Corinthians 2:10-12)
  10. We are creating division and aren’t promoting unity within the Church. (1 Corinthians 12:12-13)
It might be good to begin the week and this next season of ministry by studying and praying through this list. My prayer is that your life and your ministry would continue to experience its fullest potential in the power of the Holy Spirit.

Top Ten Things You Really Shouldn’t Say in Church

I had written the following for the intro to my message this past Sunday, "The Last Word on the Church," from Revelation 2-3. However, I dropped it to make room for a prayer and musical tribute to fathers. But I can still share it here. So here it is: the “Top Ten Things You Really Shouldn’t Say in Church.”

10. “Is this a good place to pick up chicks?”

9. “Can we please sing Hymn #666?”

8. “Pardon me, is this seat SAVED?”

7. “Teach the middle school boys’ Bible study? Sounds like fun!”

6. “Hey, those crackers and juice were good. Can I get seconds?”

5. “If you happen to see a five-foot-long snake somewhere in here, it’s mine.”

4. “Dude, your comb-over really needs to go.”

3. “If you can’t say something nice about a person, come sit next to me.”

2. “Wow, your baby’s really ugly.’

And, the number one thing you really shouldn’t say in church…

1. All the stuff we had to edit out of this list.

Top Ten Things You DON'T Want to Hear When Your Pastor Visits You in the Hospital

This week's top ten list features ten things you DO NOT want to hear when your pastor visits you in the hospital:

10. Evil spirit, COME OUT!!
9. Am I too late?
8. Honestly, you make that oxygen mask look great!
7. I'd stay longer, but I have a funeral sermon to write.
6. What happens if I unplug THIS?
5. The board was praying for you last night. They voted 5 to 3 for your recovery.
4. Is this a good time to take your picture for the church directory?
3. You ARE gonna be at church on Sunday, right?
2. Good news! The board just ordered your memorial plaque!

And the number one thing you DO NOT want to hear when your pastor visits you in the hospital:

1. Rats. Why does everyone get to see Jesus before me?